


waking up

by labeledbones



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9668807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labeledbones/pseuds/labeledbones
Summary: And then there’s his phone buzzing, because somehow Lukas always knows when he’s woken up...Mostly just fluff about Lukas and Philip texting each other in the morning, but of course there is also angst because they are angsy af. :)





	

Waking up is hard because there’s all the remembering, having to relearn that his mom’s gone, having to readjust to this world where he’s never really whole or right or okay. He has to lie there for a few minutes, swallowing down the feeling, like swallowing jagged rocks until they’re sitting heavy in his gut. 

He tries to focus on the feeling of the sun on his face as it comes through the window by the bed. The warmth of it letting him know that he is still here, he still has to be here, so he might as well try to be alive. 

And then there’s his phone buzzing, because somehow Lukas always knows when he’s woken up:

_morning sleepyhead wake uppppp_  
_wake up i wanna kiss u it’s been like hours_  
_dad’s already mad at me it’s not even 8_  
_i guess i left a light on in the big barn all night_  
_i guess i’m still just his disappointingly gay son who can’t do anything right_  
_sorry, anyway_  
_i had a dream we went to the beach and the way u looked next to the ocean knocked me the fuck out_  
_are you awake yet?_

Philip presses his face into his pillow, wants to cry for a lot of reasons, lets himself cry just a little bit and then cuts himself off. 

He texts Lukas back: 

_i had a dream we were in this old house totally falling apart around us and u kept saying things to me but i couldn’t hear u there was just this buzzing sound_  
_this isn’t a romantic dream_  
_actually pretty depressing and let’s not analyze it_    
_but still_  
_we were both dreaming about each other_ _so there’s that_  
  _ps: i’m awake now_  
_pps: the way u look always knocks me the fuck out_

He has to allow himself this. He knows his mom would want him to have love in his life, would want his happiness above anything else. But he still feels guilty every time he finds himself thinking that he’s lucky, that he’s in love. Every time he smiles, it hurts just a little bit. All the good feelings are underlaid with shadowy dark things, his grief telling him he should stay down. 

His phone buzzes again. 

_i wanna take u somewhere_  
_like away from everyone else and this town_  
_somewhere both of us haven’t been_  
_and just like be with u. idk._

Right now Philip is just a boy lying in bed on a Saturday morning texting his boyfriend who loves him like crazy even though he’s not sure he deserves that love, even though some days he gets so sad he turns mean and cold and doesn’t want to love anyone ever again. 

And even though, on his darkest days, he wishes Lukas had died when he’d been shot and the whole thing had ended there and his mom had gotten to live and he’d gotten to go home and live with her again in their crumbling apartment in Queens where he’d been happy even though he had nothing. Thinking this makes him hate himself so much that he disappears on everyone, goes out on his bike and doesn’t come back for hours and hours, ignores his phone. 

He comes back though. Every time, he comes back. And Gabe and Helen’s arms are open and Lukas’ arms are open.

And he gets to do this, gets to just be 17 years old, gets to be really really fucking grateful that he’s found this person who will stand next to him no matter what. 

So he’s texting back:  

_anywhere._

And Lukas:

_california?_

_yes._

_canada?_

_yes._

_antarctica?_

_yes._

_the moon?_

_yes._

_my room?_

_we’ve both been there before._

_we could build a fort. make it totally new to us._

Philip’s cheeks ache and he wonders how long he’s actually been smiling for. Smiling without even realizing it, without forcing the muscles in his face to make what he thinks is the right shape. Just smiling. 

Lukas keeps texting:

_we could pretend it’s the moon. or canada. or minnesota, for fuck’s sake._    
_i don’t care as long as you’re there tbh._

_i hear minnesota is lovely._

_okay that settles it. minnesota it is._

Philip sits up, starts scrolling through the pictures of Lukas he has on his phone (which is roughly 80% of the pictures on his phone): Lukas smiling, Lukas sleeping, Lukas on his bike, Lukas on the porch, Lukas shirtless in bed with his arm slung over his eyes. It’s been barely 12 hours since he last saw him and he still misses him so fiercely he feels like he’s losing his mind. 

_hey_ , he texts.  
_i just wanna say sometimes i wake up and it’s so hard, u know?_  
_but then there’s u  and it’s less hard_  
_so_  
_i love you_

He’s said the words to Lukas before, a few times. Enough times that he shouldn’t still be so afraid of the words. But he is, he’s terrified every time he says it or thinks it, because it means he’s dependent on someone, it means he is vulnerable, it means he could lose Lukas and it would hurt like hell. 

So he’s sitting there shaking a little and staring at his phone, those little dots popping up as Lukas types a response. 

_u wanna know a secret?_  
_i text u every morning bc i can feel the panic coming on_  
  _like the second i wake up it’s hard to breathe_  
  _but if i know ur awake too right then i can keep the panic away_  
_so yeah_  
_i love u too_

And they are both just boys with so many demons trying to keep them from getting out of bed, so much darkness trying to hold onto them.

They’re lucky, though, because they aren’t alone in the dark. They can reach out and find each other’s hands and pull each other out of it. 

_i’m always here_ , Philip texts.

_me too.  
 but i wish you were actually here._

_in minnesota with you?_

_yeah. in minnesota._  
_with me._  
_come soon._

So Philip swings his legs over the side of the bed, puts his feet on the floor; he gets up.


End file.
